What I Learned From a Quaker Education (And Why It Matters After My Divorce)

What I Learned From a Quaker Education (And Why It Matters After My Divorce)

A Jewish guy reflects on his Quaker education during a tough divorce. He finds guidance in silence, consensus, and inner light, showing how these lessons help him cope with life’s challenges.

What I Learned From a Quaker Education (And Why It Matters Now More Than Ever)

I want to tell you what I learned from a Quaker education. But first, you should know I’m not a Quaker. I’m a Jewish man, now in my 50s, who spent his teenage years at George School, a Quaker boarding school in Pennsylvania. As I navigate the raw aftermath of my husband handing me divorce papers, ending our 20-year same-sex marriage, the Quaker principles I absorbed in my youth have returned to me with startling clarity and purpose.

The younger me, a Jewish kid from a different tradition, found the core of Quaker practice—the Meeting for Worship—deeply strange. Twice a week, we sat together in a historic meetinghouse in profound silence. There was no ritual, no sermon. We were simply waiting. This practice, I came to understand, was not about emptiness. It was about creating a space to hear the “Inner Light,” what founder George Fox called “that of God in every one.”⁽⁹⁾ These were the lessons from George School: the deepest truths are often found in stillness.

To say that we are sincere in desiring to purge ourselves of evil, and yet to refuse to go to the bottom of things, is a contradiction.

– John Woolman⁽¹⁰⁾

Table of contents

The Power of Silence: Lessons from Quaker Meeting for Worship

In a Quaker Meeting for Worship, the silence is held by the community until someone is moved by the spirit to stand and speak. Afterward, the silence returns, allowing the message to settle. It is a powerful exercise in mindful listening and shared presence. As the spiritual teacher bell hooks wrote, “To be loving is to be open to grief, to despair.”⁽¹¹⁾ This practice taught me how to be open, how to sit with difficult feelings—my own and others’—without needing to immediately fix them. It was an education in introspection.

That education is crucial now. In the chaotic noise of heartbreak, I find myself seeking that quiet space. The pain of surviving a gay divorce is loud. But the practice of Meeting for Worship taught me that there is always a quiet center to be found. It is a place to listen beyond the storm.

Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes.)

-Walt Whitman⁽¹²⁾

The Quaker Consensus Process and a Broken Partnership

Another of the enduring Quaker principles I learned was the method of making decisions through consensus. The Quaker consensus process avoids voting. Instead, the community seeks a “sense of the Meeting,” a solution that all members can unite behind. This requires deep empathy and a belief that a shared path forward is possible.

A marriage, I now see, is its own search for consensus. It is a two-person Meeting, a constant negotiation to find a shared sense of life. The writer James Baldwin knew this when he said, “Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”⁽⁴⁾ When that consensus breaks, and one person can no longer unite behind the shared vision, the Meeting is over. This realization has been one of the most difficult spiritual lessons from my divorce.

Letting go is the path to freedom.

– Pema Chödrön⁽¹³⁾

The Guiding Star: Understanding the Minding the Light Meaning

The most vital lesson, the one I return to daily, is to “Mind the Light.” But what is the minding the light meaning? It is a call to action: to pay attention to your inner voice of truth and conscience and let it guide you. This Inner Light is your moral and spiritual compass. The Quaker writer Parker J. Palmer articulated it perfectly: “Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it, I must listen to my life telling me who I am.”⁽⁶⁾

A serene Quaker Meeting for Worship held in a sunlit room surrounded by greenery, featuring individuals seated in silence, reflecting inner thoughts.

For two decades, my husband was a reflection of my light, and I of his. In the darkness left by his departure, the work of minding my own light feels like a survival skill. It means choosing integrity when I feel broken. Seeking my own truth, even when it is agonizing. Holding onto the faith that this inner spark cannot be extinguished by loss. It is the brave act of showing up, as researcher Brené Brown says, “when we have no control over the outcome.”⁽⁵⁾ These are the things I learned from a Quaker education that stay with me.

My time at George School didn’t prevent this pain. It did not give me simple platitudes. What it gave me was a toolkit for survival. It gave me silence, a respect for all voices (even the one that chose to leave), and an unshakable instruction to look inward for guidance. The path ahead is uncertain, a series of questions I must learn to love, as the poet Rilke advised.⁽³⁾ But I know that the light within remains.

What I Learned From a Quaker Education: Key Takeaways

A Quaker education provides a unique spiritual and ethical toolkit applicable to life’s greatest challenges. Grounded in the idea of an “Inner Light” within every person, it emphasizes practices that cultivate inner wisdom and communal respect. These lessons offer a powerful framework for navigating personal crises like divorce and loss.

  • The Power of Silence (Meeting for Worship): This central practice teaches you to quiet the external and internal noise. It helps listen for deeper truths. It builds a capacity for introspection and finding peace amidst chaos.
  • The Value of Every Voice (Consensus): The process of consensus-based decision-making instills a profound respect for different perspectives. It highlights the importance of collaborative, empathetic solutions over conflict.
  • Your Internal Compass (Minding the Light): This core principle is a directive to trust and follow your inner conscience or “Light.” It serves as a reliable guide for acting with integrity, especially during times of moral or emotional uncertainty.
  • Living with Integrity: The testimonies of Simplicity, Peace, Integrity, Community, Equality, and Stewardship (SPICES) encourage a life that is authentic, principled, and connected to others.

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Footnotes

⁽¹⁾ Bayard Rustin, as quoted in Time on two crosses: the collected writings of Bayard Rustin (2003).

⁽²⁾ Thich Nhat Hanh, The Art of Communicating (2013).

⁽³⁾ Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet (1929).

⁽⁴⁾ James Baldwin, in an interview with François Bondy, “The Price of the Ticket” (1985). Originally from a 1961 radio interview.

⁽⁵⁾ Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead (2012).

⁽⁶⁾ Parker J. Palmer, Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation (2000).

⁽⁷⁾ Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking (2005).

⁽⁸⁾ Susan Sontag, from her journal, as published in As Consciousness Is Harnessed to Flesh: Journals and Notebooks, 1964-1980 (2012).

⁽⁹⁾ George Fox, Epistle 295 (1671). The phrase is a central tenet of Quakerism.

⁽¹⁰⁾ John Woolman, The Journal of John Woolman (1774).

⁽¹¹⁾ bell hooks, All About Love: New Visions (2000).

⁽¹²⁾ Walt Whitman, Song of Myself, Section 51 (1892 edition).

⁽¹³⁾ Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times (1997).

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