Key Takeaways
This article explores the confusing paradox between societal altruism and the acceptance of selfishness in divorce. It examines the breakdown of a 20-year same-sex marriage through the lens of design and language.
- The Paradox: Society teaches us to share, yet praises self-preservation during a breakup.
- The “Only Child” Syndrome: How upbringing influences our capacity for compromise within a “community of two.”
- Narcissism vs. Self-Love: Distinguishing between healthy boundaries and destructive self-absorption.
- The Design of Marriage: Viewing relationships as architectural structures that require constant maintenance.
- Reframing the Narrative: Using the precision of language to understand the trauma of separation.
We are taught the geometry of kindness in kindergarten. We learn that a circle includes everyone and share our blocks. We do not hoard the red crayon. From an early age, we are socialized to value the collective over the individual. This is the foundation of civilization. It is the bedrock of community.
Yet, there is a glitch in this social blueprint.
The moment legal papers are served, the rules of engagement invert. Suddenly, looking out for “Number One” is not just accepted; it is applauded. Why is selfishness in divorce the only exception to our golden rule?
I find myself deconstructing this paradox. After a 20-year same-sex marriage, my husband served me with a divorce. The structure we built collapsed. His reasoning felt deeply rooted in a specific type of narcissism. Yet, the world tells me this is his right.
The Design of a Community of Two
Marriage is not just a piece of paper. It is a design project. You agree to build a “community of two.”
When you enter this contract, you sacrifice total autonomy. You do this to gain stability, intimacy, and shared history. Graphic designer Paul Rand once noted that “Design is the method of putting form and content together. Design, just as art, has multiple definitions; there is no single definition. Good design can be art. It can be aesthetics. Design is so simple, that’s why it is so complicated.” (1) Paul Rand.
Relationships are equally complicated. They require the same deliberate assembly. You contribute to the greater good so the unit thrives.
But what happens when one architect stops building?
Only Child Syndrome and the Narcissist
My husband grew up as an only child. In many ways, this shaped his worldview. He never fought for resources. He never had to compromise for a sibling’s well-being.
This is not to say all only children are selfish. However, unchecked independence can migrate into narcissism.
The psychoanalyst Erich Fromm wrote, “Immature love says: ‘I love you because I need you.’ Mature love says: ‘I need you because I love you.'” (2) Erich Fromm.
When selfishness in divorce arises from “only child syndrome,” it often reflects immature love. The partner prioritizes their immediate comfort over the long-term health of the relationship. They view the marriage as an accessory to their life, not the foundation of it.
The Vocabulary of Justification
How do we justify this betrayal? We use language. Rebranding “abandonment” as “self-discovery.” We call “narcissism” an act of “self-care.”
Oscar Wilde, a man who understood the aesthetics of society better than most, famously said: “Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.” (3) Oscar Wilde.
In my case, the narcissism was palpable. It was a refusal to engage in the friction of community. It was a demand that I accept a unilateral decision.
This behavior destroys the “we.” It asserts that one person’s happiness is worth the demolition of the shared history.
When Self-Preservation is Actually Destruction
There is a distinct difference between escaping a burning building and lighting the match yourself.
Society confuses the two. We tell divorcing friends, “You have to do what makes you happy.”
But at what cost?
Author Joan Didion, a master of observing emotional fractures, wrote: “To free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves—there lies the great, singular power of self-respect.” (4) Joan Didion.
True self-respect involves honoring your commitments. Selfishness in divorce is often a lack of respect; for the partner and for the promise made.
When a narcissist leaves, they often claim self-preservation. In reality, they are preserving their ego. They are avoiding the hard work of empathy.
The Cultural Shift Toward the Self
We live in an era of curated identities. We treat our lives like Instagram feeds. If a relationship no longer fits the aesthetic, we delete it.
Renowned architect Rem Koolhaas observed, “The city is a script that people act out.” (5) Rem Koolhaas.
Today, the script is hyper-individualistic. We are actors in our own movies. Co-stars are expendable.
This cultural shift validates the narcissist. It tells them their inability to compromise is actually a virtue. It frames their selfishness in divorce as a heroic quest for authenticity.
The Cost of Breaking the Dyad
A dyad is a group of two. It is the smallest possible social group. It is fragile.
When you destroy a dyad after 20 years, the debris is heavy.
Psychotherapist Esther Perel notes, “The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.” (6) Esther Perel.
By prioritizing the self above all else, we lower the quality of our collective lives. We create a society of lonely individuals. We lose the art of friction.
Friction is necessary. Pearls need grit. Diamonds need pressure. A marriage needs the friction of compromise to become valuable.
Nostalgia for the Collective
I miss the idea of “us.”
There is a beauty in submitting to the greater good. It is a discipline.
Massimo Vignelli, the legendary modernist designer, said, “The life of a designer is a life of fight. Fight against the ugliness.” (7) Massimo Vignelli.
We should fight against the ugliness of disposable relationships. We should fight for the beauty of endurance.
My husband’s choice was easy. It was the path of least resistance. It was the path of the only child who wants the toy for himself.
Rebuilding After the Demolition
So, where does this leave the one left behind?
I am now a community of one. I must redesign my life without the other architect.
Writer James Baldwin wisely stated, “Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” (8) James Baldwin.
Perhaps the mask has fallen. I see the narcissism clearly now. I see the selfishness in divorce for what it is.
It is not bravery. It is a retreat.
The Final Blueprint
We must reclaim the language of commitment. We must stop applauding abandonment disguised as growth.
The late architect Zaha Hadid said, “There are 360 degrees, so why stick to one?” (9) Zaha Hadid.
I am looking at my life from a new angle. I am learning that while society may condone his selfishness, I do not have to accept it as truth.
I can value community. I can value the “we.”
Philosopher Roland Barthes wrote about the fragments of a lover’s discourse. He said, “The lover’s fatal identity is precisely: I am the one who waits.” (10) Roland Barthes.
I am no longer waiting. I am designing.
Selfishness in divorce may be the norm. But I will always believe in the beauty of the shared structure. I believe in the community of two.
FAQ
What is the difference between self-preservation and selfishness in divorce?
Self-preservation is escaping harm or toxicity. Selfishness is disregarding a partner’s well-being for personal convenience or gain.
Does “only child syndrome” actually affect marriages?
It can. Those raised alone may struggle with the constant compromise required in a shared life, sometimes leading to narcissistic tendencies.
Why is selfishness acceptable in divorce but not elsewhere?
Society views divorce as a “reset” for personal happiness. Therefore, we often frame the destruction of the communal unit as an act of bravery.
How does narcissism disguise itself in long-term relationships?
It often masquerades as independence or high standards. Over time, it reveals itself as an inability to empathize with the partner’s needs.
Can a relationship survive a narcissistic partner?
It is difficult. A healthy marriage requires a “community of two,” whereas narcissism focuses solely on the “party of one.”
What role does language play in understanding divorce?
Language shapes our reality. Labeling an act as “freedom” versus “abandonment” changes how we process the trauma of separation.
Footnotes
- (1) Rand, Paul. Thoughts on Design. Chronicle Books, 2014.
- (2) Fromm, Erich. The Art of Loving. Harper & Row, 1956.
- (3) Wilde, Oscar. The Soul of Man under Socialism. The Fortnightly Review, 1891.
- (4) Didion, Joan. “On Self-Respect.” Vogue, 1961.
- (5) Koolhaas, Rem. Delirious New York: A Retroactive Manifesto for Manhattan. Oxford University Press, 1978.
- (6) Perel, Esther. Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. Harper, 2006.
- (7) Vignelli, Massimo. The Vignelli Canon. Lars Müller Publishers, 2010.
- (8) Baldwin, James. The Fire Next Time. Dial Press, 1963.
- (9) Hadid, Zaha. Acceptance Speech for the Pritzker Architecture Prize. 2004.
- (10) Barthes, Roland. A Lover’s Discourse: Fragments. Hill and Wang, 1978.
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