Trigger warning:
The following text discusses my personal experiences with a challenging same-sex divorce and includes emotionally sensitive and charged content.
Going through my same sex divorce has been one of the most challenging and soul-searching experiences of my life. What should have been a relatively straightforward process became a tangled and arduous ordeal. This was shaped by the unexpected resistance from my husband of 17 years, David Gleason. It was a dissolution that not only unraveled our shared life but forced me to confront the deeply personal and often unspoken intricacies of navigating a divorce within the context of a same-sex marriage.
My Same Sex Divorce and Personal Struggles
Through this chaotic and emotionally taxing period, I sought solace in the act of reflection, writing, and sharing. There is a profoundly intimate vulnerability in laying bare the complexities of an experience that is both deeply individual and universally human. The posts I share range from raw, personal accounts—the kind that leave you exposed to your own memories. I also write explorative, academic musings on the broader connotations of marriage, identity, and relationship dissolution during a difficult divorce. Each piece emerges from a place of longing, pain, and an unyielding need to understand.
For those who find themselves on a similar path—whether within the LGBTQ+ community or beyond—I know how isolating a difficult divorce this process can feel. The legal challenges and the complexities of reclaiming a sense of self remain. Additionally, there is the emotional residue left unresolved. I recognize the questioning that comes with it. Who am I without this relationship? Which parts of me remain untouched by this storm? These are questions I find myself grappling with. Questions that have no immediate or comforting answers.
What’s my Motivation and Why Share?
To those who read these posts, be aware that some of them go to places of profound intimacy. Others try to step back and examine the abstract frameworks and societal norms that shape our understanding of relationships. They are born from a hope—perhaps an optimistic one. I hope that in sharing these pieces, someone, somewhere might find a sliver of comfort or recognition during their own difficult divorce. Even if I, myself, have yet to find the closure denied to me.
This is not a story of triumph, nor is it an instructional guide. It is an offering—a collection of reflections forged in a crucible of grief and resilience. They are shared in the quiet belief that connection, even in its smallest measure, can mend wounds we thought might never heal.
Same-sex Divorce Articles
- The Architecture of Separation: The Paradox of Selfishness in Divorce
Key Takeaways This article explores the confusing paradox between societal altruism and the acceptance of selfishness in divorce. It examines the breakdown of a 20-year same-sex marriage through the lens of design and language. We are taught the geometry of kindness in kindergarten. We learn… - When Memories Become Weapons: Navigating Ambiguous Loss
Article Summary & Key Takeaways The Gist: Ambiguous Loss refers to a type of loss that is difficult to define or lack clear closure. This article explores the psychological concept of “Ambiguous Loss” through the lens of a painful same-sex divorce after an 18-year relationship.…
- The Vodka, The Dog, and The Architecture of Us: Why Rituals Save Relationships
Key Takeaways Relationship rituals are an important part of building strong partnerships. This article explores how personal rituals—like pre-flight vodka or nightly dog walks—act as the glue in long-term relationships. It examines the unique burden and freedom same-sex couples face in creating these traditions without…
- The Discarded by Family: Anatomy of a Sudden Social Death
Key Takeaways & Summary Summary: This article explores the emotional journey of being discarded by family and how one finds the strength to overcome it. This article explores the painful and often overlooked phenomenon of “social disposability” in the wake of a long-term relationship breakdown.…
- The Ivy League Wall: When Intelligence Becomes a Weapon in Divorce
Key Takeaways and Summary Summary: Intellectual weaponization in divorce is a tactic some individuals use to gain an upper hand. This article explores the painful intersection of high-conflict divorce and intellectual elitism. Through a personal narrative regarding the end of a 20-year same-sex relationship, I…
- The Architecture of Loss: Designing “Synthetic Memories” in the Age of Divorce
Key Takeaways Synthetic Memories: The Danger of Visualizing the ‘Never-Was’ in Divorce Divorce is rarely just a legal separation; it is a dismantling of a shared future. For decades, the only artifacts left behind were wedding albums and physical mementos—static reminders of what was. But…
- The Asymmetry of Love: The Unresolved Reality of Divorce
Key Takeaways This reflection on divorce highlights the emotional disconnection and trust fragility inherent in relationships. It questions the value of love when it remains unrecognized and unsupported. The narrative reveals the painful truths of emotional asymmetry, suggesting love alone is insufficient to sustain a…
- The Silence After the Crash: The Raw Reality of Being Left Behind
My husband, David, served me with divorce papers after a 20-year same-sex relationship, making it an unwanted divorce for me. That sentence is short. It is clinical. It implies a legal transaction. But for the person standing on the receiving end of those papers, it…
- Divorce and Loosing Your Creativity
There’s a unique silence that follows the end of a foundational relationship. It’s more than sadness. For a creative person, it can feel like the severing of a lifeline. It’s not a glass half-empty; it’s the vastness of space opening up where your imagination once…
- Unseen and Alone: Navigating Long-Term LGBTQ+ Divorce
When a relationship that once defined your world comes to an end, it can leave a silence so loud it feels deafening. For 17 years, I shared my life with my husband. The rhythm of his breath beside me at night, the sound of “I…
- The Responsibility of Wedding Witnesses: Beyond the ‘I Do’
The Ceremony and the Silence I begin with two scenes, exploring the responsibility of wedding witnesses in each. The first is my wedding. Our officiant was my fiancé’s best friend, a woman who, over the years, became a very good friend of mine. She stood…
- Understanding Divorce: Should I Respect His Decision?
Why do I have to respect my husband’s decision to divorce me? The question feels like a paradox, doesn’t it? How can we, with hearts so intertwined by decades of shared life, stand still while the thread unravels at the other’s request? How can his…
- From Anthem to Elegy: How Songs Change Meaning (And Why It Hurts)
We all have a personal soundtrack. That one song that defined your senior year. The anthem you and your partner called “ours.” The track that still, decades later, makes you feel invincible. But it’s fascinating how songs change meaning over time, altering with experiences and…
- Unconditional Love and Forgiveness: How to Heal When Your Heart Is Broken
There’s a question that echoes in the quietest moments after a heartbreak: Is love a finite resource? Does it function like a battery, needing to be plugged into a relationship to stay charged? And when that connection is shattered, is the ability to replenish it…
- The Empathy Chasm: Surviving the Lack of Empathy in a Relationship
The author reflects on a failed marriage, questioning whether love can endure when empathy is absent. Their experience highlights complex emotions and the painful realization that love’s foundation may have been built on illusion, not connection.
- The Unmoored Heart: Navigating the Compounded Grief of Losing a Mother and a Marriage
The death of a mother is a foundational loss. It’s the severing of a primary anchor, the quieting of a voice that has known you your entire life. For many, this loss creates a profound sense of displacement, a deep-seated need for security that we…
- The Miss Havisham Effect: Coping with Unwanted Divorce and Obsessive Fantasy
In the midst of an unexpected, non-consensual divorce, the logic centers of the brain simply shut down. Divorce grief and denial are part of this painful process. For the one left behind—the one who did not choose the ending—the experience doesn’t reflect waning affection, but…
- When Love’s Ledger Doesn’t Balance: Reconciling the Emotional Cost of Divorce
They all say it. Therapists, friends, and well-meaning family members all offer the same gentle advice as you navigate the wreckage of your broken marriage: “Don’t keep a balance sheet of what you’re owed.” This practical, forward-looking counsel aims to free you from the shackles…
- The Psychology of Stolen Dreams: Why Trauma Halts Your Ability to Hope
There’s a unique silence that follows the demolition of a life built with two sets of hands. It’s quieter than an empty house and heavier than unspoken words. For me, this silence was marked by the sudden, bewildering absence of dreams. I don’t just mean…
- Time Doesn’t Heal All Wounds
The cliché “time heals all wounds” oversimplifies the deep anguish of divorce, which feels more like an erasure than a new beginning. The lingering grief and societal pressure only amplify isolation, denying the complexity of healing.
- Top of Mind: When Love Turns to Loss
Seventeen years of love unraveled into silence with divorce, revealing the brutal truth: to be forgotten is a suffocating void, challenging every shred of identity and demanding a painful reconstruction of self.
- Divorce is the Most Selfish Act in Relationships
Divorce, by its very nature, severs what was once considered unbreakable—a partnership that bore the weight of promises, love, and years of shared existence. It dismantles the “we” and isolates each individual into an “I,” leaving stark questions in its wake. Is divorce selfish? Is…
- When Tears Stop Healing: The Paradox of Ineffectual Catharsis
Crying serves as a common emotional release, but when it becomes ineffective, it can lead to deeper feelings of despair, helplessness, and emotional isolation, complicating the grieving process.
- What I Learned From a Quaker Education (And Why It Matters After My Divorce)
A Jewish guy reflects on his Quaker education during a tough divorce. He finds guidance in silence, consensus, and inner light, showing how these lessons help him cope with life’s challenges.
- When Your Ex Haunts Your Toaster: Navigating the Minefield of Divorce Triggers
Introduction: The Booby-Trapped Aftermath of Love There’s a special kind of cosmic joke in the way heartbreak decides to redecorate your entire life without your permission. After nearly two decades – twenty years! – of marriage, which included shared laughter, passionate debates over which Sondheim production reigns…
- The Great Disconnect: Understanding Emotional Cutoff in Divorce After 20 Years
Divorce after a long marriage can lead to complete emotional cutoff, causing bewilderment and pain. This silence stems from psychological defenses, anger, and potential legal strategies. Understanding these factors aids healing.
- An Unfair Divorce Later in Life: Despair and Financial Loss
In a brutal unraveling, a fairy tale life crumbles, leaving behind financial chaos and existential dread. This narrative isn’t about self-pity, but a stark reckoning with loss and the uncertainty that follows betrayal.
- After Marriage Equality: Coping with the Unique Grief of Gay Divorce
Navigating a gay divorce reveals profound isolation and loss, as the joy of marriage turns into a painful reminder of failure. With no established support, the unique struggles faced by same-sex couples highlight a lack of societal understanding around gay relationships’ complexities.
- Cooking Passion: Finding (and Losing) Myself in the Kitchen Through Food
The kitchen was once my sanctuary. In that place, the world outside melted away. My hands found purpose in the rhythm of creation. Fueled by a cooking passion, it wasn’t just about sustenance. It was a vibrant, multi-faceted passion that consumed me. It ranged from…
- Decode Empathy: What It Means (and Doesn’t Mean) During Divorce
I came home from work like any other Tuesday, expecting the familiar comfort of the life David and I had built over a decade. Instead, I found him sitting in the living room, unusually still, beside his best friend. The air felt thick, charged with…
- Anniversary Reflections: Poetry Amidst Divorce
Today marks my wedding anniversary with David Gleason, though we are currently in the midst of a divorce. I find myself missing him deeply. He is my everything. I’ve penned a poem today, inspired by our past. For context, Nancy was David’s mother, who passed…
- When My Rock Becomes the Earthquake: Relationship Curveballs When your Anchor is Gone (and Questioning Everything)
Confronting the upheaval of a relationship curveball and the subsequent loss of emotional support can represent one of life’s most formidable challenges. The ground crumbles beneath my feet. The very person I would instinctively reach for in a storm, my husband David, has become the…
- Life During a Divorce: Music, Movies and TV Shows as Constant Reminders
What do you do with all the movies, music, or TV shows that bring back a lot of memories? Seventeen years. Marriage had anchored my life for that long. Then, my husband walked away. His absence left me adrift in a sudden void. The day…
- The Forgotten People Left in the Wake of Cancer
Eighteen years. It feels like a lifetime condensed into a collection of shared laughter, whispered confessions, and mundane routines that gave texture to my marriage. Eighteen years of love, or what felt like love, until the moment my husband asked for a divorce. What made…
- The Quiet Death of Intimacy in Marriage—and a Personal Reflection
There was a time when I couldn’t imagine my husband and I falling out of intimacy. Eighteen years of love, laughter, and shared dreams had made us feel unshakable. But intimacy—the glue that held us through the highs and lows—started to slip away, unnoticed at…
- If love is the drug then I’m in major withdrawals
If love is the drug then I’m in major withdrawals. Was I addicted to love in my same-sex relationship of nearly two decades? I’m having a tough time getting over my soon to be ex-husband. He served me with divorce papers out of the blue.…
- How to Seek Closure in a Same-Sex Divorce When the Door Feels Bolted Shut
This is the story of a door I desperately want to close but cannot bolt shut. Finding closure in a same-sex divorce has proved to be incredibly challenging. Somewhere between loss and yearning lies a concept society calls “closure.” It is a word so delicate,…
- Navigating Divorce in the Digital Age
Navigating my same-sex divorce in the digital age: am I a memory hoarder or a relationship archivist? We have memories we cherish. We also have memories we fight to forget. Then, some memories linger in the in-between. They are a haunting constellation of “what was.”…
- Unpacking a Life Together in a Same-Sex Relationship
There are moments in life when silence becomes deafening. The absence of answers feels like suffocation. There is a unique pain in trying to make sense of something that refuses to yield its meaning. It is much like holding sand as it drips cruelly between…
- Reputation Management in Divorce: Reclaiming Identity and Agency
Divorce is never just an unraveling of shared lives; it is a fracturing of narratives, a splintering of stories once seamlessly told in unison. When that separation becomes contentious, particularly within a same-sex marriage, the challenge isn’t confined to legalities or logistics. Reputation management in…
- The “Cult” of Self-Discovery and Identity in Relationships: Its Ripple Effect on Same-Sex Marriage
Imagine standing at the edge of an undiscovered continent, its vast expanse shrouded in mist. This is the terrain of self-discovery – the uncharted inner world each individual is born to explore. For centuries, philosophers and spiritual seekers have sought to map this terrain, handing…
- Faith, Love, and Same-Sex Divorce: A Journey
Marriages are like rivers. They carve their courses through the landscapes of our lives. They shape who we are and carry with them the sediments of memory, love, and intention. But what happens when that river dries, leaving behind a parched canyon of broken promises…
Newsletter Sign up
Sign up to my my newsletter(s) and be alerted whenever there is a new post.